Struggle

Just before I write these I have seventeen million sentences in my head.

They all sound futile, stupid…when I get here.

Fuck fuck fuck you.

I probably cling to John because he’s the only thing that I know will never hurt me directly.

Everything. is. a. fucktard.

Tabitha is annoying.

I don’t have anybody.

Never will.

I fucking hate you.

*cuddles non-existant Babypie*

If you can’t be with the one you love…

Love the one you’re with.

No

 I refuse.

How dare I be so taken and yet so damned deprived?  This isn’t fair.  The forsaken God everyone credits with such lovely duties is in my eyes nothing but a sexist bastard who he, himself, should strike with lightning.

I’m going to Hell if there is such a thing.

Which there isn’t.

How dare you not be absolutely taken with me.  How dare you all not to see what wonders lie behind my geeky persona.  How fucking dare you all be so fucking lame.  How dare I crave your attention so hypocritically.

How dare.

How dare I be so hurt

so fragile.

I will die before I am old.

Do you think you can tell?

Today was…good.

Yesterday was the first Friday in a while that did not end up making me feel like utter crap.

I like Toro…see what you did?

I love.

Things….certain things, not everything. I wish I loved everything…but in a way, I sort of do.  I like…being alive.  Really, I do.

How

How I wish you were here.

My Johnny.

You aren’t mine….but I do love you so. <3.

It’s windy in there.

A Groovy Kind of Love

Paul and Jawn

Gettin’ it ahwn

Nothing I like bettteerrrrr

Their sexuality

Is quite a thing to see

Nothing I like betterrrr

Sweet love making

Quite obvious they aren’t faking

Nothing I like bettterrrr

Kisses, hugs, looks that say ‘j’adore’

Seems there’s always room for more

Nothing I like bettteerrrr

An ecstacy so sweet and passionate

Full of affection, no denying it.

Nothing I like bettteerrrr

When will it end

Never, God send

Nothing I like betterrrr

Paul and John foreverrr

<3

I-i-i-isolation

I don’t expect you

to understand

after you’ve caused

so much pain

but then again,

you’re not to blame

you’re just a human;

a victim of the insane.

I feel.

terrible.

I can’t even say ‘I want my Johnny’

that doesn’t even begin to sum it up.

‘Till the Stars Fall From the Sky

Weed tastes and smells very very strange.  Quite icky indeed.  I think I got a buzz, if not a high.  I wouldn’t really know.  I had fun though.  Giggly and hyper and weirded-out.  I got the munchies haha.  Interesting. 

 I just really hope my dad doesn’t smell it, man.  I don’t have any incense =S

I’m very sad about what’s happened with Miguel.  Honestly, I really thought we could be something.  But I guess I’m just not…his perfect hippie girl =/

Fuckin’ bummer, man. 

 Toro’s friggen awesome.  But I’m not gonna get too into that…cuz Hannahhh and other factors.  It wouldn’t be pretty.

My teeth look nice.

I’m a hippie.

You’d Think You’ve Lost Your Love

I’ve had a little bit of time to think about this.

I am now quite angry…heartbroken..confused.

This is very very fucked up.  Screw relationships man.  I just want my Johnny.

Us Louderback-Johnston women just aren’t cut our for human relations.  Not at all.  We’re picky bitches, stoic yet hurt very easily.  We won’t settle for anything less than true love. 

Which I’ve found in John.   Figures.

If I don’t get some fucking weed tomorrow, I will kill someone.

Ouch

I thought….I wanted…I…I…

The truth is a fucking LIE. 

What is this?  Why’d it come back?  WHAT THE FUCK. 

*crash noise*

~no picture~

Darlin’, Please Believe Me

I don’t want Tabitha.

I don’t want Miguel.

 I want John

now.

Must it be so hard? Must he be so desirable and yet so gone?

This isn’t fair.

This isn’t right.

What is going on?

Who’s to say which words are profane..and which are not?  They’re just words aren’t they?  What the fuck does it matter anyway?  What reason is there to be concerned?  How is this going to affect my life? 

No one.  Yes.  It doesn’t.  No reason.  In no way will it.

School is obnoxious.  I really really really do not like it.  But okay, whatever.   I just want to do what makes me happy.  If it makes me poor, so be it.  If it makes me rich, so be that also. 

Freddie better give me some junk, man.  I swear to GOD.  You know, that sexist stalker in the sky that strikes people down with lightning because he feels they aren’t good enough to touch a shiny table.  The man who’s son became a bunny and then flew into the sky to become him.  Right.

I should be doing biology hw right now, but that shit sucks.  I like Mrs. Clingenpeel, she’s alright.  But man…school…retarded.  PEOPLE omg UGH.  I hate them so muchhhh. 

Laura and I were wittled from the sammme stick, brotha.

Idk where daddy is…I hope he’s alright o_O  I DON’T WANNA BE AN ORPHAN! Who would take care of me?  Damn if i’d go live with my mother! Fuck that, man.  Laura wouldn’t have enough money, bless her.  Tabitha’s parents would try to control me (and fail miserably I might add.)  Hm.  Well, let’s hope it doesn’t ever come to that.

OH I could be in the care of the lovers twain; Paulie and BabyJohnlove<3 .  They’re rich…and very very lovely.  =]

They’re doing swell by the way.  I took a nap with John the other day.  Just me and him.  Oh it was so nice.  He’s so warm and comfy.  He smells nice too ^_^  Oh how I love my Johnny.

I want you. I want you so bad, babe. 

Oh Baby, Why Don’t You Smile?

So I’ve fashioned my device.

Hard to drill the cap.

But otherwise very easy.

So this is the first time you’ve actually seen me in like two days or more, and all you have to say is “take better care of your cat or I’m taking him away”?

What the fuck, man. 

Buy me some food, god fucking damn it.  What the hell is wrong?  What did I do in my past life?

Johnny doesn’t seem to be very cheerful today.  I wonder what’s bothering him…

My poor baby.  I just want him to be happy.