Hello darkness, my only friend

IM

SO

MISERABLE.

 

Everything I’ve ever cared about is gone or a complete mess.  Christopher and I can’t even have sex without arguing. 

Nothing went as it was supposed to today.  And I still don’t think I feel anything.

Nobody has time for me.  Not even my own fucking boyfriend.  Everything right now is completely unsatisfactory.  EVERYTHING is a let down.

 

I don’t know what to fucking do. Let the best/worst thing that has ever happened to me go?

Only to be even more alone than I was before?

 

 

FUCK FUCK FUCK

oh please…put me out of my misery.

Niggerbitches

I fucking hate them.  There’s a whole slew of reasons I don’t want to go back to Laney, and that’s a pretty big one.  There are tons of niggerbitches there. UGH.

Anyway, on to things far more important:

I just really don’t know right now, and I so wish I did.  I hate this with a passion.  Having loved and lost is not a good feeling. Especially when you love this person so much, and could potentially be forced to hurt them.  I would give anything to be unconditionally in love with Christopher again. I would.  Right now, I just can not say whether I’m in love with him at all or not, and it sucks ass.  I mean, I love him..to death, even, but I don’t exactly feel all lovey when I think about him. I feel this emptiness…a void in me, sucking inward everything lighthearted and loving.  I don’t get it.  Maybe it’s from all the mistreatment that he has dealt me over these 9 months.  Perhaps I was just blinded by how much I adored him, and now that the neglect has built up so much, I see it, I feel it, and I do not appreciate it.  I don’t want him to feel the pain I did, but I do want him to realize that I am not going to tolerate anything less than what I deserve.  I should not have to force him to do boyfriend things. You’d think he’d want to do them of his own accord.

Lately, though, it isn’t all bad…at all, really.  He loves me bunches, and is trying to be more patient.  But, still, it just doesn’t seem to be enough to make up for all the shit he’s done.  I find it ultra-hard to trust him now, and I wish that wasn’t the case.  Every little unsatisfactory thing he does now gets to me, when it wouldn’t have before.  I hate that.  I wish it was easier for me to love him now…like it was before.  God, this is shitty.

I feel like some good, romantic time with him would help tons..but he can’t drive, he doesn’t have any money whatsoever, and he’s too busy obsessing over shit like his band.  This is not a good situation, indeed.

I’m afraid to lose him because I don’t handle change very well.  I don’t want to regret letting him go either.  I’m also not sure if I would even want to leave him at all.  UUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.  Not even a break sounds pleasant to me, because I don’t want to see him being all flirtacious and not be able to do anything about it…

What the fuck is wrong with me?  I can’t figure out a damn thing anymore.

God damn it.

I don’t know.

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW

Take another hit.

So it’s pretty sad when a person can only be funny when they’re drunk.  It’s also pretty sad when people think that’s fuckin’ cool.  It isn’t.

 

So it’s pretty sad that I only really matter when I’m the only person around.  That’s the only time you pay full attention to me.  Thanks.

 

You always feel like everyone’s out to get you. Everyone’s attacking you. No one is fucking attacking you, so stop being a baby.

 

Seriously, fuck moshers.  Fuck obnoxious assholes that ruin the show for people who don’t feel like being beaten to a bloody pulp. It does not make you look cool, it just makes you look like a total dick. Retards.

 

Fuck reckless, irrational morons.  Some people deserve to be moshed in the face. F’real.

 

 

 

Fuck people that don’t answer their phones.

Fuck stress.

Fuck you, man.