So, basically, I’m sick of this shit.  Our plans only pull through about 17% of the time.  Needless to say, that’s well under satisfactory.

I’m sick of the stress and resentment you bring to me.  Lately, I’ve been thinking “Hey! I love him, we can hang out now…maybe we can get back together and be happy.”

No, we can’t.  We’ll never be happy.  I’ll never be happy so long as you continue to occupy my time with your selfish, reckless behavior.  You’ve become a major waste of my energy, and it’s just sad.  When the fuck did this become so hard?  Maybe it was hard from the start, but I was more tolerant then and…more..happy.

You may have given me the security of feeling asthough my life had a purpose, but the purpose was just to see you, and I can’t even accomplish that.   This, instead of  making me feel like a failure, just makes me dislike you more and more for wasting my time and ruining my purpose.  Things would go smoothly if they just ran the way they were planned, but you fuck that up incessantly.  Of course I realize this is sometimes not your fault…but to say it was never your fault would be a complete and utter untruth. 

I’m sick of buying into the false hope that you feed me on a daily basis.  I’m sick of being let down by you in the same ways over and over and over and over again.  But I guess that truly is my fault…for continuously having hope in something that is completely unrealistic.  I should be smarter than that.  I am smarter than that.

My wasting my time with you has been the biggest self-let-down of my life.  Yes, that’s right, I’m letting myself down by giving you the time of day. The statement may be mean, but so are you.

All I have to say is, I really hope you grow the Hell up before you break anyone else’s heart with your self-centered, babyish motives.  Either that, or I hope the next girl you pull this shit on kicks you in the ass as soon as you fuckin’ try it.

I’m sick.

Sick of you and your abandonment. 

Sick of putting my trust in people that don’t deserve it.

Sick of seeing your fucking face.

Sick of hearing your damn voice.

Sick of being alone.

Sick of all this shit that I don’t deserve.

Sick of being genuinely friendless.

Sick of being in a fucked up relationship that’s never going to work, no matter how much i want it to.

Sick of having other people control my life.

Sick of advice.

Sick of being patronized.

Sick of being preached to.

Sick of people thinking they’re superior than me.

Sick of niggers.

Sick of Laney.

Sick of sitting.

Sick of sleeping.

Sick of drowning in rage.

SICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICKSICK

I HATE YOU.

want to die.

IM

SO

MISERABLE.

Everything I’ve ever cared about is gone or a complete mess.  Christopher and I can’t even have sex without arguing. 

Nothing went as it was supposed to today.  And I still don’t think I feel anything.

Nobody has time for me.  Not even my own fucking boyfriend.  Everything right now is completely unsatisfactory.  EVERYTHING is a let down.

I don’t know what to fucking do. Let the best/worst thing that has ever happened to me go?

Only to be even more alone than I was before?

FUCK FUCK FUCK

oh please…put me out of my misery.

I fucking hate them.  There’s a whole slew of reasons I don’t want to go back to Laney, and that’s a pretty big one.  There are tons of niggerbitches there. UGH.

Anyway, on to things far more important:

I just really don’t know right now, and I so wish I did.  I hate this with a passion.  Having loved and lost is not a good feeling. Especially when you love this person so much, and could potentially be forced to hurt them.  I would give anything to be unconditionally in love with Christopher again. I would.  Right now, I just can not say whether I’m in love with him at all or not, and it sucks ass.  I mean, I love him..to death, even, but I don’t exactly feel all lovey when I think about him. I feel this emptiness…a void in me, sucking inward everything lighthearted and loving.  I don’t get it.  Maybe it’s from all the mistreatment that he has dealt me over these 9 months.  Perhaps I was just blinded by how much I adored him, and now that the neglect has built up so much, I see it, I feel it, and I do not appreciate it.  I don’t want him to feel the pain I did, but I do want him to realize that I am not going to tolerate anything less than what I deserve.  I should not have to force him to do boyfriend things. You’d think he’d want to do them of his own accord.

Lately, though, it isn’t all bad…at all, really.  He loves me bunches, and is trying to be more patient.  But, still, it just doesn’t seem to be enough to make up for all the shit he’s done.  I find it ultra-hard to trust him now, and I wish that wasn’t the case.  Every little unsatisfactory thing he does now gets to me, when it wouldn’t have before.  I hate that.  I wish it was easier for me to love him now…like it was before.  God, this is shitty.

I feel like some good, romantic time with him would help tons..but he can’t drive, he doesn’t have any money whatsoever, and he’s too busy obsessing over shit like his band.  This is not a good situation, indeed.

I’m afraid to lose him because I don’t handle change very well.  I don’t want to regret letting him go either.  I’m also not sure if I would even want to leave him at all.  UUUUUUUUUUUUUGH.  Not even a break sounds pleasant to me, because I don’t want to see him being all flirtacious and not be able to do anything about it…

What the fuck is wrong with me?  I can’t figure out a damn thing anymore.

God damn it.

I don’t know.

I DON’T FUCKING KNOW

So it’s pretty sad when a person can only be funny when they’re drunk.  It’s also pretty sad when people think that’s fuckin’ cool.  It isn’t.

So it’s pretty sad that I only really matter when I’m the only person around.  That’s the only time you pay full attention to me.  Thanks.

You always feel like everyone’s out to get you. Everyone’s attacking you. No one is fucking attacking you, so stop being a baby.

Seriously, fuck moshers.  Fuck obnoxious assholes that ruin the show for people who don’t feel like being beaten to a bloody pulp. It does not make you look cool, it just makes you look like a total dick. Retards.

Fuck reckless, irrational morons.  Some people deserve to be moshed in the face. F’real.

Fuck people that don’t answer their phones.

Fuck stress.

Fuck you, man.

to live better than this.

i hate this summer. i hate everything.

i hate me. i miss me.

this is shit. big, disappointing loads of shit.

and there’s nowhere/no one to turn to.

I want to be your everything.

I want you to want me everywhere.

I want you to be everything I want.

I want you to be in love with me, unconditionally.

I don’t want to be afraid of you anymore.

I don’t want to be disappointed/neglected anymore.

I don’t want to lose you ever ever again

i wish i could believe that you were going to come see me this time.

People take their lives way too fucking epic-ly.

If everyone wasn’t so over-dramatic and self-absorbed, they wouldn’t have some many issues.  Coping with society requires detachment from conceit and pride.

Grow the fuck up, you drama queens.

Meanwhile, Christopher’s cute..and I’ve dyed my hair again.